everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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