I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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