Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
