I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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