Do you still have your period?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Girls should come with a carfax report
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
