Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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