I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
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I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
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Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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