Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
