at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
