conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
