my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
