threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i drank out of a bidet.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
