I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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