This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Randomize
