Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
