My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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