the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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