Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
