It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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