omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
