my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
