I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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