hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
