apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
