I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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