Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
