I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
