I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
