I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
