a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
how does that bad decision feel?
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