So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
