please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
