God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
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Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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