Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
