I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Is it penis luge time yet?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
