its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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