saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
