I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
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I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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