my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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