Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
