You can't motorboat a personality
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
