So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
