I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
