I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
