whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
