After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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