Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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