Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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