I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
