It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
