I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
