Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
