Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
