Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
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i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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