Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
