I forgot how hot balto sounded
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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