would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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